Kids have a way of pushing our buttons. Before I had children, I had an ideal in my mind in regard to how things would go when I was a parent. I had full intention of never losing my temper with my children! Ha! What a joke! If you are a parent, you know that the stress of parenting and the demands of life get in the way of even a very well intentioned person being the ideal parent.
It is common for a parent to approach parenting with themselves in mind instead of their child in mind. This often happens completely subconsciously. A parent can test himself or herself in this area by doing something that in counseling we call “monitoring your self talk.” For example, when a child/teen misbehaves, ask yourself, “What was my first thought?” It is important for a parent to monitor this carefully in order to determine his or her primary motivation.
Often times parents are responding to children/teens out of a desire to be right themselves, to control the situation so that they won’t lose respect, out of pain from their own past, bad habits they learned from their own upbringing or even because they know they will be criticized or judged by someone else if they don’t parent a certain way. These are all inadequate ways to process and discern how to respond to a misbehaving child.
It is vital that parents learn to wade through the muddled thoughts that come up in these situations. In order to raise emotionally healthy and responsible children, parents must parent with their child in mind. This means that the parent must put aside their initial ways of thinking and truly ask himself or herself, “What does my child/teen need in this moment?”
Each child and each situation calls for a different approach. You know your child, you know their tendencies and you know what needs to change in order for your child to become a healthy, productive adult.Think about your child’s needs and respond to that with discipline and corrective conversation. Pray for discernment. Parenting with your child in mind is truly loving and caring for the precious gift you have been given!
Monica is a Co-founder of Living Well Counseling and Coaching and is the Director of Staff and Client Relations for the organization. She is both a counselor and a consultant. Monica has a BS in Secondary Education from Kansas State University, an MS in Counselor Education from Western Illinois University, and is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of North Carolina.
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